On the road I tasted a life rich with quiet. The phone never rang, no messages to check, no email to answer, no news to read. I unplugged by choice, and once breathing this air, I said, “I can’t go back, at least not to what I’d become.” Over there, I remembered the me I once was: adaptable, flexible, curious, in movement, in conversation, gasping in laughter, pushing myself right up against the edge of tears in experiences richly felt.
But I had to come home. My life is here. However life and I had a little chat, and we’ve both agreed to change. I promised to walk forward more and detour less, for while detours are delicious, they can evolve to distraction, a reason not to cross a much-desired finish line. I have some finishing to do. In exchange, life offered to lend a hand, to keep me mindful of the present and not allow me to obsess about the unknowable future. Life offered me delusion, for only in delusion can I walk the path I have chosen. Life also offered to prod me to action, which has thrust paint swatches onto my bedroom walls and paint stripper onto my bedroom doors. These days, everyone gets a makeover.
And then there’s the other confusion. Here. As in here. Today is the one-year mark of this site, and we’re having some relationship issues. Here has become a detour rather than a forward march. In the clarity of away, in the over there, I couldn’t deny it. I couldn’t ignore all the hours I leap around the internet visiting other voices while the finish line waits with hands on its hips, looking at its watch, wondering what’s taking me so long. I have things calling, and I’m not sure how to reconcile my confusion.
So if I seem distant and unavailable, recognize the behavior as my dance with processing. How can I stay and not have an affair with distraction? How can I leave and turn my back on those I’ve met and what I’ve learned?
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5 comments:
I'm distracted beyond belief by the internet and all the lovely words I read, yours included. Thank you for that reminder. xo
I will take small doses over complete withdrawal -really I will!
I agree, there are so many people to meet and talk to, it is tough to stay away.
I'm sad that you feel this is a diversion, instead of a creative expression. Blogging and making connections with others through it has been wonderful for me. I haven't been someone with a large social circle, and this has filled a gap in my life, giving me support and encouragement and new friends. I love reading your writing, it's inspiring to me, but I understand you must do what you must.
this was amazing:
However life and I had a little chat, and we’ve both agreed to change.
it's exactly that, isn't it. how you are able to personify things i don't think of in this way amaze me over and over.
and over.
I have no answers to your questions, but I'm glad you were inspired. Welcome back to the jungle.
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