Dance Partners

Forgiveness and I are not close. I’ve never really understood the terms of the friendship, so I haven’t reached out and invited Forgiveness into my life in any grand way.

While Forgiveness has made short visits such as after a minor misunderstanding or slight – the kind that mends easily with an “I’m sorry” – for big injuries of the recurring kind I have mostly shunned Forgiveness by saying, “I need to know how and why.” And so far, Forgiveness has mostly defaulted to clichés, such as ‘to forgive is divine’ or ‘it’s for your own good.’

Of course, I know Forgiveness is good for me. In theory. But sometimes I feel that Forgiveness wants me to assume the entire burden of the friendship. In becoming buddies with Forgiveness without first having tea with Understanding, mustn’t I simply swallow Hurt?

When the way through pain is visible, it is easy to dance with Forgiveness. But when pain is disorienting with no clear path to release and Forgiveness casually calls, how can I act all cool and jaunty and step onto the dance floor? To link hands and prance feels so disingenuous.

I know a friendship with Forgiveness can liberate me. I know it’s like saying, “[Whoever] didn’t mean it.” But what if [whoever] did mean it? Or what if [whoever] doesn’t care about repeated insults? Must I then simply try to have a threesome with [whoever] and Forgiveness? Isn’t it kind of slutty if you’re not really into it?

I have a long way to go in developing a healthy relationship with Forgiveness, but I’ve decided to at least try a few dates. Maybe with some time spent together, we can learn the fox trot.


Roberta Lipp said...

Forgiveness is part of this spiritually ideal that has always eluded me.
Don't get me wrong--I can forgive, when I'm good and ready. When I finally feel healed enough and perhaps feel that you are no longer a person who would do that to me.
But there's this whole premise of 'forgive for you, not for them' that I don't get. How can I force forgiveness? I agree, it's slutty.
They say the way to achieve forgiveness is to pray for the one you want to forgive.
Yeah none of this works for me. Forgive me.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you need to have a threesome with [whoever] and Uncomfortable Confrontation before the menage a trois with [whoever] and Forgiveness can commence.

Girlplustwo said...

In becoming buddies with Forgiveness without first having tea with Understanding, mustn’t I simply swallow Hurt?

wow, Deezee, simply wow. you always have such an incredible way of relating.

Trouble said...

I keep having this debate inside my head, too. I want to forgive my ex, but then he keeps creating new problems that i then have to swallow and forgive.

At what point are you allowed to write a person off and simply say, "I am not going to let you harm me anymore," and is forgiveness part of that equation?

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time with forgiveness although I do often forgive when Intuition is telling me otherwise. I know where it comes from, it's just figuring out how to lose the velcro that attaches it.

Anonymous said...

hey girl. i just wandered over from acumama's blog, where she wants you at her dream dinner party.

i love your grit and honesty with this bitch of a topic. forgiving myself used to be a big black sludgy hole. i'm working on that every day.

Hel said...

For me forgiveness is having compassion for someone's inability to change their actions. To hate what they do but not hate them.

It is most definitely not allowing them to continue to act in a way that is hurtful.

To be able to say I care about you but because I care about myself I can not allow you in my life until you change the way you act.

My closest friend has hurt me so many times that I eventually had to cut her out of my life. It hurt a lot and I was filled with bitterness until, in my heart, I could forgive her.

I did not invite her back in my life but I no longer had long bitter conversations with her in my head.

I apologise for the essay but this is such a relevant issue in my life.

Anonymous said...

"In becoming buddies with Forgiveness without first having tea with Understanding, mustn’t I simply swallow Hurt?"

Ditto what Jen said. I love this line. And I agree, Understanding has to be at the party. I don't think true Forgiveness is possible without Understanding.